My Big Forrest

   

     Every so often you find yourself up so high that you feel like there is nothing that can touch you. You forget all the little things and you focus on one factor in your life, and nothing else matters. One day leads to the next, and then to the next, and before you know it all the time is gone.

     I tend to find myself lost in these kinds of days too often lately. Waking up, looking around, and going through the meaningless motions just to find myself on the same spot from when I awoke. I remember the days when I felt the drive to do more, to create, to see more, and to live more.

     It's only until I slow down and really take a look around that I really understand where I am. I sit back, look up in the sky, take a deep breath, and slowly close my eyes. So many thoughts run through my head as if it was trying to catch up, ideas, regrets, feelings, and dreams all the same. I become reminded of who I am, and what is really important.

     Today of all days, I was able to shut my eyes and remind myself, and with that reminder, I came across two of my favorite movies. Ones that, remind me of what life can become, no matter how crazy you might se it, or how little your might understand it. The moment when you experience something so profound, so life changing, and you don't even know it until someone wants to hear about it. Its movies like Forrest Gump and Big Fish that remind me of such things, that help me get back on track.  Lets me think about what stories I have to tell, or will have to tell, what I have already done, or have yet to do.

     Take a minute to get back on track, because you never quite know what you mind find.

The Itch...

          So, as I sit here in the airport, practically falling asleep in my chair like an exhausted toddler, I once again feel the itch within me for adventure. The funny thing is, it took up until now to feel it again. See, this all started about 2 months ago, when I found myself at my (at that time 3 month in) "new" job (since ending the 2 month road trip across the U.S.), when I was sitting attentively writing a "very important" e-mail to a peer of mine. Alone in the back room, I leaned back to give my eyes a rest, and as I looked up at the ceiling, I noticed a lizard sitting very still. Yea, I know, random, but there was literally a lizard on the ceiling. I was fixated on how it just stayed completely still as if attempting to blend in to the blandness of the egg shell shade of white panels. For minutes, I just sat there, staring at it, and I thought, I have never seen a lizard on the ceiling before, let alone at work. As I chuckled and bent my neck back to look at my screen, the 3 paragraph explanation that I had prepared was suddenly swept away by an unexpected "Force Close" by the magnificent machine we call a PC.

          At this point, any of us would be distraught to have this happen, but I just sighed at the unfortunate dilemma and went right back at admiring the lizard. It was at this exact point that I felt the "itch". It crept upon me slowly right between my eyes, as if to tell me to take off the figurative glasses I had to put on to live in the "real world." Once off, I felt I didn't understand how I was getting sucked in again.  Into the idea that the seat that I am currently imprinting is my true calling. Although I have been working hard and don't attempt to be mediocre, this was not what my life needs me to do. Like the lizard, I was attempting to blend into something that didn't make sense for me, a bland, egg shelled background. I bet it didn't think it would be stranded on ceiling of some office building surrounded by gigantic monsters doing crazy dances and speaking noises, noises that even if it understood english, would still sound odd to him (thanks to accents and mostly nonsense).

         All this going through my mind, I felt the itch moving towards my chest, at which point I felt a sense of hollowness come upon me. Why am I settling once again? What is it that my heart really wants from me? If I look back at my life and I found out that tomorrow was the end, what would I really have to show for it? What would I have failed at? What would I have learned? We all think of it at one point or another, some more than others, and some put it off because of other things that cloud their hungry minds, but for me, it was an all too eerie feeling. You see, like you, my readers, my friends and family don't quite understand my hunger for experience. I have always thrown myself to the wolves to see if I'd survive, or jumped in the deep end to see if I'd float, or driven on E to see how far I'd get (ok so I made up the last one but you get my point), so why aren't I doing that with my life now?

          With that feeling, I took a look around and saw my life as if it was a still painting, and just like those pieces of art, there are always things the jump out can create deeper though. For example, I have 3 friends of mine who are avid travelers, and without ever expressing my view they come to speak to me about their inner struggle with life and how we are formed to think the way we do. How life isn't all about staying put and feeling comfortable. This is scary thought even for me and as I press my finger into every button I feel the cold chill come down my spine thinking that I can leave it all behind someday. Then I thought about a commitment that I made to myself at the beginning of the year, about seeing much of the world before I turn 30, and what huge leaps I have made thus far. How, before I go overseas, I wanted to see North America for what it was. This is where the itch went to the top of my head and I came up with the brightest idea in quite some time and why, 2 months later, I am sitting in this airport, partially drooling as I type this. Let me finish that commitment to myself, let me see what it is again to see beauty in the unknown rather than fear, let me know that if I can dream it, it can happen. So here I am, my zone was just called to board, as if asking me one last time if I really want to do this, and I just gave them my boarding pass. Hello again, Kenneth, lets see where your heart takes us again...

Dreaming of what may be, maybe all a dream.

Dream.

            A single word that can mean so much. To dream is as if to realize you are alive, like seeing or feeling something for the first time, to believe in the truth of self and realize that anything is possible. It can also create the illusion of impossibility, like what you want is just a dream, but what is a dream really? There are those dreams in which our fragile thoughts fall victim to in the warmth of our beds, there are those that keep the fire inside us believing anything is possible and we shall prevail, and there are those that plague us like a price on a string dangling in front of us.

            So whats the difference? Should we not be allowed the privilege to think beyond the limits of our surroundings? I mean, think of all those that made a difference in the way we think, did they not take the chance? Now, before I get all philosophical, allow me to digress and delve into the story of now, of you and I, or us. Of a dream I have from time to time. This dream is never identical to the last, the details change, the people change, but the feeling I get when I wake up is always the same.

            I am walking down the left side of the road on the edges of what looks like a farm. It's a bright cool day and theres a tree with leaves holding on so tightly as if not wanting to fall away. In the distance I hear a car making its way towards me and with every second thereafter I become anxious. I become fearful of the noise behind me and begin trying to run from it until it eventually catches up and passes me. I can't tell what kind of car it is, or who exactly is driving but it is always a girl. There are always  passengers, from what i've written, its been family, friends, past lovers, and people that I don't know. And every time I see it, begin sobbing and running after it like I can't let it leave without me. I begin feeling like they are counting on me to reach them. Then I trip and they're gone when I look up, or I just wake up, or I almost make it and they drive off like i'm too late. Now, it doesn't always happen like that, something new always happens, but from what I've written down, they all have their similarities.

            I don't know what it all means exactly but I when I think of what motivates me, I think of that car, and no matter how scared I am, how alone, or helpless I can be there's something that keeps me going towards it. It was only until today that I wanted to write about this dream of mine because of a video I stumbled across. Now I don't have a name for it, I don't know who made it, nor do I know why it was made, but its the thought is simple, "Maybe" It is all about one question, one statement or idea, "Maybe." An idea that can scare the hell out of us, but can also create some of the most amazing moments in our lives. I felt like it was appropriate to include it in this post because like all dreams, we are uncertain what they mean or if we can even reach them, or maybe... it was all a dream.

Click here to check out the video.

Food for thought: Expand your mental pallet.

         Take a moment and allow yourself to dream, whatever that may mean to you.  Give your mind a rest from the digital shackles you impose on yourself. Close your eyes, listen to your heart beat and your mind breathe from running a million miles a minute. You can never really know who you are until you're truly alone and I don't mean sitting in public or in your room but in a place where you don't often go, inside. Think deeply of who you are, what is it that you are really wanting in life. What makes you happy? Why are you here? Don't be afraid to ask and don't be afraid to dream, but remember what a dream means to you, and you alone.